This morning I slept in, I cuddled with my cat, I sewed, I read, and I watched tv. It was wonderful. I thought it would also be a good time to write a new blog post.
CPE has been going fast and furious, and now I only have three weeks left. CPE has been a very interesting experience. It has been more challenging than I expected in some ways and it has been easier than I expected in some ways. I have found that I truly love doing ministry. I love being called to visit with people in need and being able to share the grace of God with them in some small way. I have had meaningful visits conducted entirely in Spanish and despite the language barrier between myself and my patients, God has been fully present. I have hugged perfect strangers, prayed without words for ten minute spans, and worn so much personal protective equipment that I'm getting used to being wrapped in plastic and latex.
I am assigned to three units, one of which is an isolation unit. That means that for many of my visits I have to put on a yellow plastic gown with full sleeves and light blue gloves (that color combination will always represent Parkland to me now). On other visits I have to wear a "fit mask" which I was tested for before I began work. It keeps out something like 98% of all the stuff in the air, so I probably won't get sick from that. One of my units is one of Parkland's five ICUs, and I and a resident chaplain attempt to visit each of those patients every day. It is really wonderful to watch how people get better on the unit, and it is tragic to watch when they don't.
I have been present at the death of a young girl because she ran into a horse with a car, and helped her family begin to grieve and offer life to others through her organ donations. I have attempted to help a woman make a decision to give her mother a peaceful death and been frustrated in the process. I have visited with a woman who felt incredibly lonely despite being surrounded by signs of love as she healed from being run over by a truck. I have touched a woman who just lost a baby she didn't know she had. I have seen God this summer in the eyes of hundreds of people.
One thing that surprised me this summer is that I love being on call. I love being called, even to the most difficult situations. When I am on call with a resident I hold on to the house pager, and feel at peace as I find myself all over Parkland. The other thing that surprises me is how difficult I find cold calls. When I just make a list of people I need to visit and then wander into their rooms asking if they want a visit from the chaplain (me) I find myself exhausted. However, this is something I do four days a week. I am only on-call once a week. So I practice. And keep practicing. We'll see what happens during the next couple of weeks.
I have loved working at Parkland, though. I love the department there and most all of the people I work with. One of the staff chaplains is the mother of a girl I knew when I was in elementary school and who Mom knows well, and we laughed over the fact that she knew me when I was eight and now we're working together. I've loved having the chance to encounter other theologies and better articulate my own and I have loved the chance to grow closer to God.
Silas and I have found ways to spend most of our weekends together, despite differing schedules, and it has been wonderful to be able to see him so often. We have already made plans for next year to not have to go so long without seeing each other as we did this past semester.
I have been getting ready for the new semester as well. My book list is out, and my mom and I have made plans to get me and George back to Ohio. I'll finish CPE, and then have one week to get back and settled before classes start again. It's a quick turn-around. I'm looking forward to next semester, though. I think my classes will be great and I am really looking forward to being one of the sacristans. I'm looking forward to being back into the routine I'm used to, even though I'm finally getting used to the routine of CPE.
Tomorrow I'm on call again, followed by two more weeks of work with two more on call shifts, and one week of mostly finishing things up. I can't believe it's all going so fast. Yesterday was a day of poetry for my CPE class as well as the class at UT Southwestern, who we do classes with, and it was an absolutely fantastic day. We were taught about poetry as medicine and I wrote two poems during the day. I was surprised at what came out of me, but it was wonderful to put some of my experience into the words of poetry. Tonight I'm going to sew a bit more, and tomorrow after work I'm heading up to Oklahoma City, and then to Tulsa for my grandma's birthday. It should be a good weekend.
These are the poems I wrote:
Cold Calls
Nobody likes feet, right?
Here we cover them with yellow socks.
Here I must wear closed-toed shoes
(there is a code, after all).
Here it might be unsafe for bare feet
to touch the ground.
I hate shoes.
I hate my closed-toed shoes
And your yellow socks, a sign of sickness.
I want to feel connected.
I want my bare feet and yours
to be on the earth.
I want to tread carefully in your room,
Feel firmly placed where I am.
But I don’t know how in these shoes,
looking at your yellow socks.
Can you help me?
Can I listen here,
firmly planted on the ground,
next to you?
Can I step out of my closed-toed shoes,
tread near with my bare feet,
and slip into your yellow socks?
To God
Hello again, it’s me, here I am,
I am busy, tired, happy … hungry,
I am going on a visit.
You know,
I don’t always believe you.
But it’s not just you.
I don’t always believe anyone who says
“I love you”
Instead I ask:
“What did I do to deserve this?”
But
I love fully and firmly.
And I know that won’t change.
Will you?
I am surrounded by goodness;
by signs and words of love.
Sometimes I feel alone when I’m surrounded.
Am I hiding successfully?
Or am I just hiding from myself?
Maybe I will believe you today.
Maybe I will believe everybody.
Maybe she will to.
Amen
