CPE and Poetry

Today has been my first day this whole summer that I have had entirely to myself. I have been filling my days with work, with time with my family and friends, and with visits with Silas. All good, but it is certainly nice to have a day like this.

This morning I slept in, I cuddled with my cat, I sewed, I read, and I watched tv. It was wonderful. I thought it would also be a good time to write a new blog post.

CPE has been going fast and furious, and now I only have three weeks left. CPE has been a very interesting experience. It has been more challenging than I expected in some ways and it has been easier than I expected in some ways. I have found that I truly love doing ministry. I love being called to visit with people in need and being able to share the grace of God with them in some small way. I have had meaningful visits conducted entirely in Spanish and despite the language barrier between myself and my patients, God has been fully present. I have hugged perfect strangers, prayed without words for ten minute spans, and worn so much personal protective equipment that I'm getting used to being wrapped in plastic and latex.

I am assigned to three units, one of which is an isolation unit. That means that for many of my visits I have to put on a yellow plastic gown with full sleeves and light blue gloves (that color combination will always represent Parkland to me now). On other visits I have to wear a "fit mask" which I was tested for before I began work. It keeps out something like 98% of all the stuff in the air, so I probably won't get sick from that. One of my units is one of Parkland's five ICUs, and I and a resident chaplain attempt to visit each of those patients every day. It is really wonderful to watch how people get better on the unit, and it is tragic to watch when they don't.

I have been present at the death of a young girl because she ran into a horse with a car, and helped her family begin to grieve and offer life to others through her organ donations. I have attempted to help a woman make a decision to give her mother a peaceful death and been frustrated in the process. I have visited with a woman who felt incredibly lonely despite being surrounded by signs of love as she healed from being run over by a truck. I have touched a woman who just lost a baby she didn't know she had. I have seen God this summer in the eyes of hundreds of people.

One thing that surprised me this summer is that I love being on call. I love being called, even to the most difficult situations. When I am on call with a resident I hold on to the house pager, and feel at peace as I find myself all over Parkland. The other thing that surprises me is how difficult I find cold calls. When I just make a list of people I need to visit and then wander into their rooms asking if they want a visit from the chaplain (me) I find myself exhausted. However, this is something I do four days a week. I am only on-call once a week. So I practice. And keep practicing. We'll see what happens during the next couple of weeks.

I have loved working at Parkland, though. I love the department there and most all of the people I work with. One of the staff chaplains is the mother of a girl I knew when I was in elementary school and who Mom knows well, and we laughed over the fact that she knew me when I was eight and now we're working together. I've loved having the chance to encounter other theologies and better articulate my own and I have loved the chance to grow closer to God.

Silas and I have found ways to spend most of our weekends together, despite differing schedules, and it has been wonderful to be able to see him so often. We have already made plans for next year to not have to go so long without seeing each other as we did this past semester.

I have been getting ready for the new semester as well. My book list is out, and my mom and I have made plans to get me and George back to Ohio. I'll finish CPE, and then have one week to get back and settled before classes start again. It's a quick turn-around. I'm looking forward to next semester, though. I think my classes will be great and I am really looking forward to being one of the sacristans. I'm looking forward to being back into the routine I'm used to, even though I'm finally getting used to the routine of CPE.

Tomorrow I'm on call again, followed by two more weeks of work with two more on call shifts, and one week of mostly finishing things up. I can't believe it's all going so fast. Yesterday was a day of poetry for my CPE class as well as the class at UT Southwestern, who we do classes with, and it was an absolutely fantastic day. We were taught about poetry as medicine and I wrote two poems during the day. I was surprised at what came out of me, but it was wonderful to put some of my experience into the words of poetry. Tonight I'm going to sew a bit more, and tomorrow after work I'm heading up to Oklahoma City, and then to Tulsa for my grandma's birthday. It should be a good weekend.

These are the poems I wrote:

Cold Calls

Nobody likes feet, right?

Here we cover them with yellow socks.

Here I must wear closed-toed shoes

(there is a code, after all).

Here it might be unsafe for bare feet

to touch the ground.

I hate shoes.

I hate my closed-toed shoes

And your yellow socks, a sign of sickness.

I want to feel connected.

I want my bare feet and yours

to be on the earth.

I want to tread carefully in your room,

Feel firmly placed where I am.

But I don’t know how in these shoes,

looking at your yellow socks.

Can you help me?

Can I listen here,

firmly planted on the ground,

next to you?

Can I step out of my closed-toed shoes,

tread near with my bare feet,

and slip into your yellow socks?

To God

Hello again, it’s me, here I am,

I am busy, tired, happy … hungry,

I am going on a visit.

You know,

I don’t always believe you.

But it’s not just you.

I don’t always believe anyone who says

“I love you”

Instead I ask:

“What did I do to deserve this?”

But

I love fully and firmly.

And I know that won’t change.

Will you?

I am surrounded by goodness;

by signs and words of love.

Sometimes I feel alone when I’m surrounded.

Am I hiding successfully?

Or am I just hiding from myself?

Maybe I will believe you today.

Maybe I will believe everybody.

Maybe she will to.

            Amen

Beginning of the Summer

I have had a busy beginning of the summer, with a couple of bumps in the road and a few nice surprises.

My mom came up to Columbus after I finished my classes, and we had a good time while I helped sacristan for the commencement worship. It was great to go to commencement, since I had several friends who were graduating, and altogether Saturday was a lovely day. Then my mom and I packed up and got ready for a long drive on Sunday.

Sunday morning we were packing up and taking things to my car, and George noticed and wanted to make sure he would not be left behind. He ran out the door and down a flight of stairs. He may have regretted that wish later, but he was actually a wonderful traveler. He sat quietly in his crate all day, and enjoyed exploring the pet friendly hotel room we stayed in for the night. The next morning he was a little less excited about getting into his crate, knowing what would come next, but he never uttered a peep, and the drive home was easy enough. It was nice to be able to share the driving with my Mom, and we had a great time.

Once I was home, I went and got poked and prodded to ensure my health to work at Parkland. I did my first drug screening and got fitted for a face mask, in case I need one, which was rather entertaining. Good news, I don't have TB. I also don't have a Hepatitis B immunity, despite having the vaccine, so I get to get it again! Yay! Unfortunately, I got all of this testing done too late to start on my official first day of CPE, so instead I got an extra week off. This was a bit annoying, but I chose to take the opportunity to go to Tulsa with my mom and see my Grandma and help go through the house we're getting ready to sell.

We decided to take George with us to Tulsa, and he was once again a good traveler. It was nice to have him around so we could take George Breaks from clearing out the house and petting a cat is the best kind of break. Going through the house was hard work, but it was interesting. I went through all of my Grandpa's theological books, and took basically all of them. It makes me happy that a large chunk of my early theological library comes from him, and my Grandma said he would be so pleased I had them. I also took boatloads of thread from my Grandma's sewing stash, and I won't have to buy colored thread for years. I love that I'll have some of her things, including beautiful fabric bought in China, to work with and create out of. I like that she and I have that in common. Altogether, it was a busy, but worthwhile week, and a good way to spend my accidental week off.

We came home on Thursday, so that I could jump on a plane to Orlando the next morning. I went to Orlando to attend Silas' sister's wedding. It was the first time I saw Silas since early this Feburary, so I was thoroughly excited about the trip. I had a bit of a confusing time getting out of the Orlando airport, but I made it. Silas and I, as well as his family, had a good but full weekend. We had a large rehersal dinner the night I got in, full of people I didn't know. They were all nice, though, and it was an enjoyable evening. The day of the Wedding, Silas and I went out on a trip to pick up the flowers, which was some nice time together, and then the wedding was in a garden in the afternoon. It was quite hot, and I did not envy the men in suits, but the wedding was beautiful. The reception was also lovely, and there were a couple of songs Silas and I could dance to. After the whirlwind two days, we got up the next morning and Silas' parents took me to one airport and Silas to another to head to our respective homes. It was a great visit, but I'll be heading to Oklahoma City for a less rushed visit as soon as I can.

Finally today, I began my summer of CPE. Today was just general orientation, so it was actually a bit boring, but there was another student who had to start late, so we sat together and got to know each other, and we had lunch with the whole group and Leo, our supervisor. My CPE class is made up of five women, and I am the youngest one. We got along together well at lunch, and I think it'll be a good group to work with over the summer. I'm especially looking forward to tomorrow, when I'll find out more about what I'm going to be doing specifically.

Tonight I made sure to take care of myself by taking myself to a yoga class at the studio I have a membership at for the summer. It was wonderful, and I have a feeling I'll really appreciate those as I get more into the fullness of CPE. It's nice to have a studio to practice at so I actually do it, and so I have good teachers to correct my form.

After some interesting trips, my summer is finally really starting, and I think it will be wonderful and full of learning. I'll probably be more sporadic here than I am in the school year, but I'll keep writing when I can.