CPE and Poetry

Today has been my first day this whole summer that I have had entirely to myself. I have been filling my days with work, with time with my family and friends, and with visits with Silas. All good, but it is certainly nice to have a day like this.

This morning I slept in, I cuddled with my cat, I sewed, I read, and I watched tv. It was wonderful. I thought it would also be a good time to write a new blog post.

CPE has been going fast and furious, and now I only have three weeks left. CPE has been a very interesting experience. It has been more challenging than I expected in some ways and it has been easier than I expected in some ways. I have found that I truly love doing ministry. I love being called to visit with people in need and being able to share the grace of God with them in some small way. I have had meaningful visits conducted entirely in Spanish and despite the language barrier between myself and my patients, God has been fully present. I have hugged perfect strangers, prayed without words for ten minute spans, and worn so much personal protective equipment that I'm getting used to being wrapped in plastic and latex.

I am assigned to three units, one of which is an isolation unit. That means that for many of my visits I have to put on a yellow plastic gown with full sleeves and light blue gloves (that color combination will always represent Parkland to me now). On other visits I have to wear a "fit mask" which I was tested for before I began work. It keeps out something like 98% of all the stuff in the air, so I probably won't get sick from that. One of my units is one of Parkland's five ICUs, and I and a resident chaplain attempt to visit each of those patients every day. It is really wonderful to watch how people get better on the unit, and it is tragic to watch when they don't.

I have been present at the death of a young girl because she ran into a horse with a car, and helped her family begin to grieve and offer life to others through her organ donations. I have attempted to help a woman make a decision to give her mother a peaceful death and been frustrated in the process. I have visited with a woman who felt incredibly lonely despite being surrounded by signs of love as she healed from being run over by a truck. I have touched a woman who just lost a baby she didn't know she had. I have seen God this summer in the eyes of hundreds of people.

One thing that surprised me this summer is that I love being on call. I love being called, even to the most difficult situations. When I am on call with a resident I hold on to the house pager, and feel at peace as I find myself all over Parkland. The other thing that surprises me is how difficult I find cold calls. When I just make a list of people I need to visit and then wander into their rooms asking if they want a visit from the chaplain (me) I find myself exhausted. However, this is something I do four days a week. I am only on-call once a week. So I practice. And keep practicing. We'll see what happens during the next couple of weeks.

I have loved working at Parkland, though. I love the department there and most all of the people I work with. One of the staff chaplains is the mother of a girl I knew when I was in elementary school and who Mom knows well, and we laughed over the fact that she knew me when I was eight and now we're working together. I've loved having the chance to encounter other theologies and better articulate my own and I have loved the chance to grow closer to God.

Silas and I have found ways to spend most of our weekends together, despite differing schedules, and it has been wonderful to be able to see him so often. We have already made plans for next year to not have to go so long without seeing each other as we did this past semester.

I have been getting ready for the new semester as well. My book list is out, and my mom and I have made plans to get me and George back to Ohio. I'll finish CPE, and then have one week to get back and settled before classes start again. It's a quick turn-around. I'm looking forward to next semester, though. I think my classes will be great and I am really looking forward to being one of the sacristans. I'm looking forward to being back into the routine I'm used to, even though I'm finally getting used to the routine of CPE.

Tomorrow I'm on call again, followed by two more weeks of work with two more on call shifts, and one week of mostly finishing things up. I can't believe it's all going so fast. Yesterday was a day of poetry for my CPE class as well as the class at UT Southwestern, who we do classes with, and it was an absolutely fantastic day. We were taught about poetry as medicine and I wrote two poems during the day. I was surprised at what came out of me, but it was wonderful to put some of my experience into the words of poetry. Tonight I'm going to sew a bit more, and tomorrow after work I'm heading up to Oklahoma City, and then to Tulsa for my grandma's birthday. It should be a good weekend.

These are the poems I wrote:

Cold Calls

Nobody likes feet, right?

Here we cover them with yellow socks.

Here I must wear closed-toed shoes

(there is a code, after all).

Here it might be unsafe for bare feet

to touch the ground.

I hate shoes.

I hate my closed-toed shoes

And your yellow socks, a sign of sickness.

I want to feel connected.

I want my bare feet and yours

to be on the earth.

I want to tread carefully in your room,

Feel firmly placed where I am.

But I don’t know how in these shoes,

looking at your yellow socks.

Can you help me?

Can I listen here,

firmly planted on the ground,

next to you?

Can I step out of my closed-toed shoes,

tread near with my bare feet,

and slip into your yellow socks?

To God

Hello again, it’s me, here I am,

I am busy, tired, happy … hungry,

I am going on a visit.

You know,

I don’t always believe you.

But it’s not just you.

I don’t always believe anyone who says

“I love you”

Instead I ask:

“What did I do to deserve this?”

But

I love fully and firmly.

And I know that won’t change.

Will you?

I am surrounded by goodness;

by signs and words of love.

Sometimes I feel alone when I’m surrounded.

Am I hiding successfully?

Or am I just hiding from myself?

Maybe I will believe you today.

Maybe I will believe everybody.

Maybe she will to.

            Amen

Full Fall Break

I've certainly had a full fall break. And I've been able to read several books.

This week I attended the Healthy Congregations national gathering, which was an interesting couple of days. I have been learning a lot about family systems theory in the past few weeks, and this conference was a continuation of that learning for me. The theory is interesting and I think it is helpful for me now and will be helpful for working in a congregation in the future. However, it was a couple of days of a lot of introspection, which left me rather tired by the end of it.

I also worked with a few other students today to pick out furniture for a room that we are remodeling so that we will have a new gathering space for relaxing as well as group studying. It should be a very nice room by the time it's finished, and I am excited to be a part of it. Picking out the furniture was fun, and I'm proud of us for coming up with a design that worked well together.

On Friday I had a long meeting about the installation service for our new president, which will take place next week. I am the leader of the banner people, and we will be helping with a procession of about 100 people. This service will be huge, and I am pleased that I will be able to help with it. It's neat to be here when something important like the installation of a president happens.

All around these meetings, I was working in the library this week. They gave me a key last week, which was good because I needed to open it up two different days this week. It was even quieter than usual, which made for some great reading time. I read a biography of Saint Augustine of Hippo, which was really interesting. I actually enjoyed my reading this week, and I feel like I've been able to catch up and even get ahead a bit for the rest of the semester.

This Friday was Silas and my second anniversary, and Friday morning I got a call saying that someone had sent me flowers. They were beautiful and it was great to talk to him that day, but I am definitely looking forward to being able to see him again in about a month.

Yesterday, after my rather busy fall break, I slept in and decided to have an introvert day. I only went out to get groceries, and in between cleaning my apartment I stayed in bed relaxing. I'm still trying to make sure I make time for myself and take care of myself. I'm trying to practice yoga regularly, and I am also trying to have a small personal devotion time every day so that I can get out of my head when it comes to my faith on occasion. Talking about theology all day is different than actually practicing faith, I have found.

Today I had a bit of an adventure, as the girls I was picking out furniture with for the room, Dr. Ott, and I drove up to northern Ohio to attend the church which gave us the money for the furniture. We left at 5:30 this morning, and had a really nice time at the church. It was nice to see others and be able to thank them for the money. They have a large mission endowment fund that they spread out every year and it was interesting to see the other mission programs they gave money to as well. We went out to lunch after the service, and then I crocheted on the long drive home. It was a full day, but it was a nice way to spend the morning and early afternoon.

I also decided this afternoon that I needed to rearrange my living room so that I would be able to keep my sewing table out permanently. I moved some things around, and now I have my sewing table out as well as room to lay out my yoga mat whenever I need to. Both are good practices for me for my own mental well being. I also made hummus and black bean burgers for my lunches this week, and decided that I may have to invest in a food processor soon.

Now I'm off to have dinner and a movie date, before I  begin the second half of my semester. I can't believe how far I've come already.

I Can't Believe it's Almost Fall Break

This week was definitely a full one.

On Monday last week, I had a full 13 hour day, with only time for meals as rest. I officiated my first morning prayer service, which I really enjoyed because I was able to practice chanting in front of a small group, so I knew if I screwed up they wouldn't care. Then I worked at the library, had a lovely lunch with a few of my classmates, worked for the contextual education office and then I had my first spiritual direction meeting on Monday afternoon.

I'm really excited about doing spiritual direction, as well as the counseling I've begun, because I think both are really helpful on teaching me how to deal with transitions, such as this one to seminary. Spiritual direction is nice because it's time where I can really focus on my spiritual life instead of just my classes. I love everything I'm learning, but sometimes I can spend too much time in my head.

After that I had class, dinner, and then another class at which point I realized that my day had been too long and I had to check out a bit. Finally I went to choir, which actually made me feel much better. We're singing a Mozart mass, and it is absolutely gorgeous. However, that meant I left the seminary at 8:30, and I had arrived a little before 7 in the morning. I was going in when the sun was coming up and leaving as the sun was going down. If a day like that happens again, I'll need to schedule in a walk just to get out and move a little.

And that was just one day. Thankfully, my busiest one.

Tuesday was a little calmer, and I had a skype date at the end of the day, which always makes for a wonderful evening. Wednesday was pretty busy again, so I was pretty pleased that this week was Trinity Days and I didn't have to focus on classes on Thursday.

I did get to participate in the eucharist service on Thursday as a torch-bearer, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I haven't been able to help with a worship service for awhile, and I do like being involved in that way.The rest of Thursday and Friday were rather quiet, which I definitely needed. Today I made my second to last MIC visit, and then I spent a fair bit of the afternoon crocheting. Taking time to do that with friends on Sunday afternoons is a wonderful way to enjoy a bit of sabbath rest.

Now I'm getting ready for next week, which includes a group presentation and a ten-page exegetical paper.

Wish me luck!

Kathryn