CPE and Poetry

Today has been my first day this whole summer that I have had entirely to myself. I have been filling my days with work, with time with my family and friends, and with visits with Silas. All good, but it is certainly nice to have a day like this.

This morning I slept in, I cuddled with my cat, I sewed, I read, and I watched tv. It was wonderful. I thought it would also be a good time to write a new blog post.

CPE has been going fast and furious, and now I only have three weeks left. CPE has been a very interesting experience. It has been more challenging than I expected in some ways and it has been easier than I expected in some ways. I have found that I truly love doing ministry. I love being called to visit with people in need and being able to share the grace of God with them in some small way. I have had meaningful visits conducted entirely in Spanish and despite the language barrier between myself and my patients, God has been fully present. I have hugged perfect strangers, prayed without words for ten minute spans, and worn so much personal protective equipment that I'm getting used to being wrapped in plastic and latex.

I am assigned to three units, one of which is an isolation unit. That means that for many of my visits I have to put on a yellow plastic gown with full sleeves and light blue gloves (that color combination will always represent Parkland to me now). On other visits I have to wear a "fit mask" which I was tested for before I began work. It keeps out something like 98% of all the stuff in the air, so I probably won't get sick from that. One of my units is one of Parkland's five ICUs, and I and a resident chaplain attempt to visit each of those patients every day. It is really wonderful to watch how people get better on the unit, and it is tragic to watch when they don't.

I have been present at the death of a young girl because she ran into a horse with a car, and helped her family begin to grieve and offer life to others through her organ donations. I have attempted to help a woman make a decision to give her mother a peaceful death and been frustrated in the process. I have visited with a woman who felt incredibly lonely despite being surrounded by signs of love as she healed from being run over by a truck. I have touched a woman who just lost a baby she didn't know she had. I have seen God this summer in the eyes of hundreds of people.

One thing that surprised me this summer is that I love being on call. I love being called, even to the most difficult situations. When I am on call with a resident I hold on to the house pager, and feel at peace as I find myself all over Parkland. The other thing that surprises me is how difficult I find cold calls. When I just make a list of people I need to visit and then wander into their rooms asking if they want a visit from the chaplain (me) I find myself exhausted. However, this is something I do four days a week. I am only on-call once a week. So I practice. And keep practicing. We'll see what happens during the next couple of weeks.

I have loved working at Parkland, though. I love the department there and most all of the people I work with. One of the staff chaplains is the mother of a girl I knew when I was in elementary school and who Mom knows well, and we laughed over the fact that she knew me when I was eight and now we're working together. I've loved having the chance to encounter other theologies and better articulate my own and I have loved the chance to grow closer to God.

Silas and I have found ways to spend most of our weekends together, despite differing schedules, and it has been wonderful to be able to see him so often. We have already made plans for next year to not have to go so long without seeing each other as we did this past semester.

I have been getting ready for the new semester as well. My book list is out, and my mom and I have made plans to get me and George back to Ohio. I'll finish CPE, and then have one week to get back and settled before classes start again. It's a quick turn-around. I'm looking forward to next semester, though. I think my classes will be great and I am really looking forward to being one of the sacristans. I'm looking forward to being back into the routine I'm used to, even though I'm finally getting used to the routine of CPE.

Tomorrow I'm on call again, followed by two more weeks of work with two more on call shifts, and one week of mostly finishing things up. I can't believe it's all going so fast. Yesterday was a day of poetry for my CPE class as well as the class at UT Southwestern, who we do classes with, and it was an absolutely fantastic day. We were taught about poetry as medicine and I wrote two poems during the day. I was surprised at what came out of me, but it was wonderful to put some of my experience into the words of poetry. Tonight I'm going to sew a bit more, and tomorrow after work I'm heading up to Oklahoma City, and then to Tulsa for my grandma's birthday. It should be a good weekend.

These are the poems I wrote:

Cold Calls

Nobody likes feet, right?

Here we cover them with yellow socks.

Here I must wear closed-toed shoes

(there is a code, after all).

Here it might be unsafe for bare feet

to touch the ground.

I hate shoes.

I hate my closed-toed shoes

And your yellow socks, a sign of sickness.

I want to feel connected.

I want my bare feet and yours

to be on the earth.

I want to tread carefully in your room,

Feel firmly placed where I am.

But I don’t know how in these shoes,

looking at your yellow socks.

Can you help me?

Can I listen here,

firmly planted on the ground,

next to you?

Can I step out of my closed-toed shoes,

tread near with my bare feet,

and slip into your yellow socks?

To God

Hello again, it’s me, here I am,

I am busy, tired, happy … hungry,

I am going on a visit.

You know,

I don’t always believe you.

But it’s not just you.

I don’t always believe anyone who says

“I love you”

Instead I ask:

“What did I do to deserve this?”

But

I love fully and firmly.

And I know that won’t change.

Will you?

I am surrounded by goodness;

by signs and words of love.

Sometimes I feel alone when I’m surrounded.

Am I hiding successfully?

Or am I just hiding from myself?

Maybe I will believe you today.

Maybe I will believe everybody.

Maybe she will to.

            Amen

Half Here Half There

It is almost the very end of the semester today. I have two classes left to attend and two finals to take. One is two 3-page papers and the other is a test with a few short answers on it, so it should be pretty doable, and I expect I'll be done tomorrow afternoon.

It is exciting to be nearly done, as I'm looking forward to a break from academia. I love school, but there's a reason we get two weeks off every semester here, and it's so we don't go crazy. I'm really looking forward to this summer with all that being home and doing CPE will bring me. I know it will be hard at times, but I will be encountering different challenges there than I do here, and I am sure I will grow in new ways and new directions. And it will be really great to get to spend some time at home. I love Ohio, especially our winters here, but I will always love Texas as my home and I'm looking forward to being back.

This week has been full of finishing things up and getting ready for commencement. It's kind of funny to be as involved in commencement as I am, since I'm only finishing my first year, but I am excited to be a part of it. I made a practice loaf of gluten free bread, which is what we'll use at commencement worship, and it turned out great. I love baking, and it's interesting to see what goes into baking gluten free. I'll be making the bread for actual commencement later this week and I'll be helping to lead a worship walk-through on Friday. I'm really looking forward to that, as this will be the beginning of my job as sacristan. I'm still really excited about doing that next year full-time.

I assisted at my last service for this semester at All Saints yesterday, and it was a really great service. I'm really feeling settled in there and I'm looking forward to being a little more involved over the whole school year next year. I'm starting to get to know people there and they're starting to recognize me as their MIC student as they see me assisting more often. I'm glad I ended up there, even if my first month or so was a bit difficult since things kept happening to keep me away or make me late for church (crashing my car was definitely one of those things)

Last Thursday, Kaeleigh, Ben, and I drove down to Cincinnati (Ben drove, which is good, because I slept) and we watched our friend Paul profess his vows and become a professed member of his monastic order. It was really great to be able to be there for that and to see Paul take this big step in his own spiritual life. We had dinner with them before heading back home, and it was a really great time. We also spent the drive down there listening to themes from Bond movies and the way back listening to ABBA, so it was certainly an interesting car trip.

Now that I am so close to going home, I'm getting everything ready to go as well as finishing my finals. I bought a crate for George and it's sitting out in my bedroom so he can get used to it. He's already spent a bit of time inside it, which is a good sign. I'm hoping he's a good travel passenger. I'm still working on packing, mostly in my head, and hopefully I'll get everything together in the next couple of days. I might still be packing a bit when my mom gets here on Thursday.

I'm definitely looking forward to having my mom here for the weekend and driving back with her. I'm going to take her to common meal, which is a weird food potluck this week, and then she'll have to hang around with me while I work on commencement stuff. Then we'll pack up and ship out on Sunday and take two days to get home. It will be a fun drive, even if it is long, because my mom and I get on well together and make road trips fun.

Now I am off to finish my finals while I'm working at the library, so I can finish packing while I'm home. To all my Abiding Grace family - I'll see you soon.

Kathryn